An Everlasting Tango of Change
Written on November 4th, 2017
I had just finished my coffee and buttered toast, as I enjoyed in the mornings. I now sat there by the window covered in breadcrumbs contemplating life. Contemplating the stillness of this moment. Contemplating the loud silence that surrounded me.
It often makes me emotional to think of all that I’ve been through. To think of the people that have come and gone and the lovely experiences we shared. The lovely moments that no longer exist anywhere but in the heart of those who lived it. I hope that every smile I have shared has in one way or another helped move good through the earth and that I have not made too much damage as I learned.
I look out the window, observing the way the sun touches the walls. The way the light dances with the textures of the world in an everlasting tango of change. This I see now will never be the same again. I accept it. I accept that things change, that makes it all much more special. As we perceive a moment, it is already gone.
My heart felt warm and agitated. Perhaps I had drunk too much coffee. Perhaps, I was overflowing with emotions as I often am.
I had just driven for two hours to visit my mother in San Diego. I arrived at ten in the morning and she had already left for work. I sat here peacefully writing, enjoying a serene moment with myself.
On the wall there was a clock, it tick tocked loudly. Ironically, it was the same exact clock I had bought fifty of for my short film Inexorable. (a $2 IKEA clock). But the sounds that once deeply disturbed me now had no effect. The sounds had lost their power for I was no longer weary of the unstoppable passing of time. I knew it was merely an illusion. I knew this because I myself was time. I was patient and yet persistent. I was inexorable.
I have come a long way, further even than I could’ve imagined if I closed my eyes in preschool as the teacher asked what we would like to be when we grew up. I still didn’t know. I couldn’t. Every moment I was changing, as were all things around me. With every hit I took my path took on a different shape. What I believed of my world became my world for I could only experience life from inside out and not the other way around. I came to realize the importance of being true to oneself, and the importance of expressing oneself genuinely.
The heart that had been broken so many times now had expanded, it could never be put back together as it was before. It was open and vulnerable, and at last I was fine with that. I no longer felt the need to hide my emotions. I was proud of them. They were beautiful. I was no longer afraid. Not afraid of love, and not afraid to be loved. I saw love everywhere, and in everything. At times I am still insecure. I am human after all. But when I close my eyes and I am one with that hopeful child in preschool, the child who had no clue of what was to come, I know that the child is proud of me.
That brings me joy.
I am often very hard on myself. I often lose the sight of me. There are way too many distractions. But I do not fight them. I navigate through this system as I try hard to not let it consume me. I try hard to not become another victim, to never wake up and watch the dream fade away.
I look out the window once again. Everything is completely different. Everything is beautiful in a brand new way; a unique way. The clock on the way still sounds the same, but it points in new directions. There is a chance to start again at every moment. Ignore the sound. Ignore the tick and ignore the tock. They will do nothing for you but drive you crazy. They will make you worry about time, but time does not stop to look at you. Time keeps going, and so must you.
What lies within you, this idea of you that is held dearly and hidden in the depths of your heart, is unique to you. Within you lies the great dimensions of an entire universe and no matter how hard you try to express it no one will ever truly understand it as you do. They won’t because within them also lies the great universe. All we can do is peak into each other’s worlds, and if we look without judgment we will see the beauty that hides within them and dances timidly on the surface of their being.
Once you accept this truth, you will be free to be genuine. You will be free of pretenses and of trying hard to make people see who you are. They can’t. They can only see you through their own lenses.